I’m Not Convinced

Posted: October 22, 2015 in Deployment Diary

Tuesday was a bad day. It was the day I had to say goodbye to my husband, and dearest friend. Tuesday was the day you had to leave. We got up that morning, cuddled, and got ready like we normally do…for the most part. Normally, suitcases aren’t involved. Normally we’d say goodbye until dinnertime. Tuesday, October 20, 2015 was different. We took Emma to Alicia’s, and you told her goodbye. It was hard to watch you kiss her and tell her you love her. It was hard to see the pain in your eyes. It was even harder because there was nothing I could do about it.

After that, we drove to your squadron because you were told to be there at  8am. Once we arrived, they told you to come back at 1pm instead, so you and I went shopping. It was nice to have a few more hours of alone time with you. However, the clock kept moving. Time was going by way too fast. I asked where you wanted your last meal to be, and you chose Chipotle (excellent choice).

When we finished our lunch, you drove us back to the squadron while I held your hand extra tight. I wasn’t ready to let you go. I met your supervisor who will be with you overseas, and he assured me that he would keep you safe and bring you home. I’m counting on that. Next, we sat in the mobility area together for a little bit , just soaking up some of our last moments…until you started helping load the bags. That was when it started to really hit me hard. You really were leaving. It wasn’t just a bad dream. This was actually happening, and nothing could be done about it.

Before loading the busses, your squadron took this picture:(You are on the far left, looking all handsome)

When picture time came to an end, everyone headed to the airport. I was able to come back to the gate with you while we waited for your plane. The first group of guys left around 4:30, and your group left around 5:30. We took a million selfies together, held hands, played games, talked, and just enjoyed the little bit of time we had left.

When boarding started for your plane, I tried being strong, but I just couldn’t choke down the tears. We hugged as tight as we could for as long as we could. We said “I love you” a million times. You promised me that you would hurry home, and I promised you that I would be waiting here until you came home. You stood in line, had your ticket scanned, blew me a kiss, and went down the walkway to board the plane. I watched as your plane pulled away from the gate, and I ran to the other terminal so I would be able to see you take off. As soon as you took off, my heart broke into a million pieces.

You were gone.

I’ve replayed that day in my head a million times. That night, I picked Emma up, and went to our apartment…without you there. Let’s just say, it hasn’t been pretty since you left.

Emma didn’t eat for 16 hours because she could sense the stress in my body, but Alicia was able to get her to eat. I almost checked into the psych ward. Today was my first day back at work. Normally, I’d count down until 5 so I could come home to you and Emma. But you aren’t here.

Nothing seems right since you left. Everyone says it gets easier…but I’m not convinced. I miss you so much. I don’t know how, but we are going to get through this. Stay safe. I’ll see you soon. I love you.

Scary Mommy Thoughts

Posted: October 21, 2015 in Uncategorized

Since I’ve been a mom, so many thoughts have come into my head. So many emotions have flooded my heart. These thoughts and emotions can be good, bad, and even scary sometimes. And these bad thoughts…every mother has them. They’re never talked about because no one wants people to look at them like they’re a bad mother. While I was pregnant, I wish someone would’ve told me these thoughts were normal to have after your kiddo gets here. These thoughts come into the heads of mothers, but they’re never really talked about. The good news: it’s NORMAL!

“Sometimes, I just want to pack my bags, run away, and never come back.”

Don’t get me wrong, I love my family. My baby and husband are my world, and I couldn’t ever live without them. However, this was one of the thoughts I had while still adjusting to motherhood. It’s hard, and it’s scary. But you get through it…eventually.

“I wish I’d never had kids, and that I never became a mom.”

Some days are rough. You want your old life back. You want to be alone with your husband without your baby interrupting. You want to be able to go to dinner and a movie without finding a sitter. You wish you didn’t have to deal with all the stress that comes with motherhood.

“Sometimes, I just want to strangle my baby.”

Those crying fits can get to you. Colic happens. Sometimes you just can’t please your child, though you’ve been trying for hours. You want to squeeze your kid, shake your kid, put a pillow over your kid’s face…at least, that thought comes to your mind. You just can’t take it anymore, and you would do anything to make it stop. Tantrums are stressful. These thoughts happen.

I’m a terrible mother.”

Again, some days are just bad. You feel like you’ve failed as a mom. Nothing you do is good enough. People judge your parenting abilities and are quick to give you unsolicited advice. They love to tell you what you’re doing wrong, and you feel like you’ve failed.

“No one knows what I’m going though. I feel like I have no purpose.” 

When my daughter was born and we got home, I told my husband all the time that I felt like my only purpose was to be a milk machine for my baby. All I ever did was nurse her. I didn’t have a job. I didn’t do many chores around the house because I was so exhausted from taking care of a newborn all day. I felt like the only reason I had to live was to feed my baby. That was rough.

“I feel guilty for taking care of my baby and not giving my husband the same amount of time and attention as I did before we became parents.”

Your baby needs his/her mommy. Your husband needs his wife. Learning how to balance the two can be difficult and may make you feel a little guilty until you figure it out.

“I’m never having kids again.”

Whether it was during morning sickness, labor, or after going through the “terrible twos,” most moms have thought this. I said it with my head in the toilet while puking my guts up, and again after going through all the pain of childbirth. I was done.

The good news is that these thoughts are normal. It’s okay to feel like you belong in a psych ward. You’re not a bad mom for thinking this way. You don’t mean any of it, and we (fellow mothers) understand. We’ve all Felt that way before. As long as you don’t act on them, it’s completely normal. You love your kids more than anything in the world, and would do anything and everything for them. But motherhood is challenging. It’s stressful. It’s scary at times, which is why having other mommy friends is so important. But at the same time, motherhood is wonderful. It’s rewarding, and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you.

**This post was inspired my a conversation with my mommy friend, Alicia. Thank you for your friendship and encouragement.

You’re Leaving

Posted: October 19, 2015 in Uncategorized

Today wasn’t such a good day. I called into work at 2am, then had a doctor’s appointment at 10am. We found out that I have the flu and strep, and was given 5 medications, along with 3 days off work. Later, we decided to go look at couches since we plan on getting new furniture when you come home. Then you received a text. 

You sat down and your face instantly changed. I asked you what happened. You looked up at me and told me that you’d be leaving in the morning. My heart stopped. I was supposed to have at least 2 more days with you. You were supposed to get at least 3 days’ notice, but instead, we had less than 24 hours.

We went to the car, and I couldn’t control it. I couldn’t stop the tears. I told myself to be strong, and took deep breaths, but it only stopped for a minute before the water works began again. If only I’d known.

If I’d known today was your last day with us, we would’ve made more memories. We would’ve had a special dinner date. We would’ve done so many things differently, but now there’s no time. You leave in the morning, and there’s nothing either of us can do about it.

Emma and I are going to miss you like crazy, and I know you’ll miss us as well. Just come home soon. I hope you’ve enjoyed your short time here. I hope you know how much you mean to me. I hope you know just how special you are. Most importantly, I hope you know that I love you more than anything in this world, and that I’ll be here waiting when you come home.

My heart aches at the fact that tomorrow you won’t be here. I won’t get to fall asleep in your arms. I won’t get to make you dinner. When I return to work after being sick, I won’t be able to kiss you goodbye as I go out the door.

You won’t be here to read bedtime stories to Emma, or to watch her giggle at Daisy. You won’t be here for a lot of her firsts. I promise to take pictures and videos and send you as much as possible. You’re such a good Daddy, and an amazing husband. Emma and I are so lucky.

Stay safe. We love you. Come home soon.

Serious Slacker

Posted: September 30, 2015 in Uncategorized

I apologize for slacking in my deployment diary. So much has happened, and so much time has passed. This post may get lengthy, so please bear with me.

I’ve loved being able to call, text, and FaceTime since you’ve been gone. Talking to you is the part of my day that I look forward to the most. No matter how good or bad my day is, it always gets a million times better when I hear your voice, see your face over FaceTime, or get a simple “I love you” or “I miss you” text.

Top 3 bad things that have happened since my last post:

  1. 1.) The dryer quit.
  2. 2.) Buddy got off his leash and I had to chase him…twice.
  3. 3.) I keep getting a ton of bruises, and I have no idea where they’re coming from.

Top 3 Good things:

  1. 1.) I’m 22 days closer to seeing you again.
  2. 2.) Most of our house is unpacked.
  3. 3.) I think I may have a job.

I’ve told you all about my days during my talks with you these last few weeks, so you know the details of just about every single moment of my days. I cant stop thinking about the fact that you’ll be here soon. Even though I know you have to leave again for a longer amount of time, I’m beyond thankful for the short time I am able to have you home again.

Emma is growing up so fast. She’s already 4 months old, weighs 12lbs 9oz and is 23in long. Her doctor said she’s very strong and is able to start cereal now. She rolls over, laughs, talks, squeals, and even says “Mama” when she cries sometimes.

Thank you for keeping all of your promises to me while you’re away that you made while we were still dating. I remember you writing them all on a piece of paper, then folding it up, and putting it in your wallet (where you still keep it today). I love you so much, James. I gotta go feed Emma now. See you soon!

My Almost Tear-Free Friday

Posted: September 11, 2015 in Uncategorized

Today was a little easier. I teared up after our morning talk, but was able to be strong and not burst into a crying fit again. I went grocery shopping and set up all electronics on our wifi (thanks for warning me that the time warner technician was on his way so I could put on some real pants before he got here). For the most part, today was uneventful. But since it’s Sept 11, I had to FB post about the two big events that happened on this day: the terrorist attack in 2001, and your suicidal visions and nightmares that caused your trip to Laurel Ridge (I knew you wouldn’t mind me sharing your struggle). I hope neither of those things ever happen again.

I hope you’re bonding with your fellow airmen and learning all you can before you head overseas. I can’t wait for you to come home. Emma and I miss you tons! I love you sweetheart.

A Day Without You

Posted: September 10, 2015 in Uncategorized

Today was my first full day without you. It started out pretty well. I almost cried when we had to end our morning phone call, but I was able to choke it down and be fine. I did the dishes you left in the sink, but I didn’t mind, because that was more time I had with you before you left. Alicia and her daughter came to the pool with Emma and I today. Her husband will be coming back tonight, and I wish (more than anything) that you were coming home too. Emma has been pretty clingy today. She’s happy, talking, and squealing as long as mommy has her, but Heaven forbid I put her down, you’d think I was murdering her. The puppies are better today as well…they’ve been pretty lazy. Daisy actually darts into the elevator now, rather than holding on for dear life.

Trying to find something for dinner was rather difficult. Everything I thought of made me think of you. Grilled cheese, for instance. We used to each have 2 grilled cheese and split a bowl of soup all on one plate. That was our thing. So I couldn’t have grilled cheese alone. Next was ramen, but it reminded me of all the times you put Taco Bell sauce in your ramen. Sandwiches were one of your favorite foods as well. I just sat in the kitchen and cried for a minute. I know I’ll get used to this one day, but right now, it’s still really hard without you.

I miss you so much! I look forward to every text, every phone call, and every FaceTime I get to have with you. Thank you for being the amazing man that you are! I’m so lucky to have you. Thank you for being mine.

Goodbye

Posted: September 9, 2015 in Uncategorized

It’s been said time and time again that goodbyes never get any easier. That was proven true today. Today, you left. You went to training, and we stayed behind. I know it may just be for a month or so, but I absolutely hate being away from you. Everyone says they’re sorry or that I need to be strong or that I knew this would happen because I married a man in the military. Right now, the only thing I need is you. If you could just be home, everything would be alright again. I don’t blame you, because I know it’s not your fault. I know you’d be here if you could. I know you love and miss Emma and I. I just wish you were here. I can’t help but think about what the coming months will be like. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the idea that this life without you will be my new normal now. I miss you so much, and have told you about all the tragedies of my day. I’m glad we were able to FaceTime and talk a little before bed. I love you so much and can’t wait for you to be home. I can’t wait to hug you when you get home from work, and kiss you before bed. Stay safe, and sweet dreams, my love.