I’m Not Convinced

Posted: October 22, 2015 in Deployment Diary

Tuesday was a bad day. It was the day I had to say goodbye to my husband, and dearest friend. Tuesday was the day you had to leave. We got up that morning, cuddled, and got ready like we normally do…for the most part. Normally, suitcases aren’t involved. Normally we’d say goodbye until dinnertime. Tuesday, October 20, 2015 was different. We took Emma to Alicia’s, and you told her goodbye. It was hard to watch you kiss her and tell her you love her. It was hard to see the pain in your eyes. It was even harder because there was nothing I could do about it.

After that, we drove to your squadron because you were told to be there at  8am. Once we arrived, they told you to come back at 1pm instead, so you and I went shopping. It was nice to have a few more hours of alone time with you. However, the clock kept moving. Time was going by way too fast. I asked where you wanted your last meal to be, and you chose Chipotle (excellent choice).

When we finished our lunch, you drove us back to the squadron while I held your hand extra tight. I wasn’t ready to let you go. I met your supervisor who will be with you overseas, and he assured me that he would keep you safe and bring you home. I’m counting on that. Next, we sat in the mobility area together for a little bit , just soaking up some of our last moments…until you started helping load the bags. That was when it started to really hit me hard. You really were leaving. It wasn’t just a bad dream. This was actually happening, and nothing could be done about it.

Before loading the busses, your squadron took this picture:(You are on the far left, looking all handsome)

When picture time came to an end, everyone headed to the airport. I was able to come back to the gate with you while we waited for your plane. The first group of guys left around 4:30, and your group left around 5:30. We took a million selfies together, held hands, played games, talked, and just enjoyed the little bit of time we had left.

When boarding started for your plane, I tried being strong, but I just couldn’t choke down the tears. We hugged as tight as we could for as long as we could. We said “I love you” a million times. You promised me that you would hurry home, and I promised you that I would be waiting here until you came home. You stood in line, had your ticket scanned, blew me a kiss, and went down the walkway to board the plane. I watched as your plane pulled away from the gate, and I ran to the other terminal so I would be able to see you take off. As soon as you took off, my heart broke into a million pieces.

You were gone.

I’ve replayed that day in my head a million times. That night, I picked Emma up, and went to our apartment…without you there. Let’s just say, it hasn’t been pretty since you left.

Emma didn’t eat for 16 hours because she could sense the stress in my body, but Alicia was able to get her to eat. I almost checked into the psych ward. Today was my first day back at work. Normally, I’d count down until 5 so I could come home to you and Emma. But you aren’t here.

Nothing seems right since you left. Everyone says it gets easier…but I’m not convinced. I miss you so much. I don’t know how, but we are going to get through this. Stay safe. I’ll see you soon. I love you.


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